An Investment

I have endowed my interest in the lives of lost souls,
Or a drought of cleanliness on my part.
Wavering away the shackles placed upon my heart.
To love you.
A friend indeed of merits.
Deliberate in my endeavor to consult your affirmation.
But can it be seen?
Do you notice me?

Pronounce me dead.
For this hurt I cannot bare.
Force me into exile.
So my worth is not in vain.
Loyalty is what I ask.
But not yielded in the fruits that I sow.

The reaping of my decisions has become known.
Caught up in an emotion and acting upon it with clear intentions.
Deceit hunts the soul.
As I imitate my own delusion.
Truth is. I am hurting.
Shadowed in smiles.
A plea.
A cry.
Listen.

I hold on further.
Bestowed by faith.
Carrying out the battle to exist in your world,
As I covet to hear from me today, tomorrow, and yesterday.

Optimism abides within.

Voices in my head

The season ends and the air we once grew accustomed is Fresher, Aged -refined.
I inhale only to realize a glimpse of me.
Not wanting to acknowledge the hurt, the pain, the guilt, the disgust.
I move on.
Life happens.
Does it not?

I write renewed.
I write polished.
I write optimistic.
I write emotional.
I write stronger.

A season ends.
A new one begins.
Wow!
Where did all the time transcend?
Did I live in the moment?

The future is unclear.
Anonymous.
Dimmed by the unknown.
How does one remain content and focused without losing eye to the very thing that is important to their existence?
When will I know?
Or do you just know?

I continue to persist.
Carrying all my baggage.
Reality is now.

A Movement

You ask much of me,
Though I am hunted by the lack of,
An allusion shattered by hope.
Survivor of my past, my now, my existing,
Better than before.
A precursor to tenacity, perseveration, illuminating by touch.
I was born to be about reformation,
Congregations form at the sound of my voice,
Alarmed by their conscious woo of a stranger.
Unconscious and unaware,
Immune to their current state,
My being is through them.
Surround yourself with truth,
Stand alone and need not me to be your guide,
Rather a collective surrogate of one.
A movement is what I am,
Involved, Engaged, Activistism is what you see,
Authentic by actions. Realism at best.
Do comment or make notions,
Your perception is not my veracity,
Naked by virtue and unashamed.
Beat me. Corrupt me. Hang me.
I surpass your inhibition,
Because I live progressively.
A movement is what I am.

Atonement

As I move from my left to my right,
Hurt and pain dwells within,
Pulsating my desire, my silent plea,
For love.

A hug,
A kiss,
A call,
A touch,
Is needed now.

As they signify your existence,
In my world, thoughts, and breathe,
My air,
My hope is in you,
I exist!

And though I am alone,
You are close,
Near,
I sense you,
Whispering sweet sentiments,
Your smell is apparent,
I exhale and hold on.

Remembering our past,
Futuristically unknown,
Foggy and unpredictable,
I am bitter.

Unfresh, spoiled, and stale,
Leftovers from yesterday,
I have been forgotten,
Feeling blue,
I am no longer self.

As I await,
Your arrival is pertinent,
To your succession,
Happiness is through me,
I am you!

Baffled!!

Baffled!
As a result of my writing drought,
It had been a minute and it’s not my first,
Seen this moment before.
Befuddled, because I losed a piece of me.
Confusedly figuring out my way,
Only to better today!

I dodge the better sense of me,
Upset, Because I am afraid of my result,
My growth ignored.
Failing to innovate.
Struggle is needed.

What is my plan?
Though this constant sequence of reoccurrences maintained.
I am removed.
Removing myself away from reality and focused on a fantasy.
An allusion. A fake. A phoney.
An actor with no role.

I suggest erect a purpose, a goal, an objective,
Which configures a premeditated plan of outcome.
I question me?
And how inquisitively I want to change, evolve or recreate.
Riddance of this stagnant iniquity
And become, progressive!

I AM FULL

I AM FULL.

I am full right now!
Full off of life,
Full off of God, and
Full off of blessings.

In my last writing, I talked about needing a moment. Well it has surpassed and I have arrived. Who knows whether or not if it shall return, but who cares, I am grabbing this – what I have right now and running with it. I am thankful to be here in my life and I could not have asked for the lessons I have learned from my past. Memorizes are imperative in this recollection as they aid me in the transformation to be BETTER, GREATER, STRONGER, and WISER. I AM AS I AM because of them.

I am appreciative to those who has aided in this process. I only hope and pray that I can stay where I am and not fall. But I am not dwelling on becoming dethroned because in my eyes this reign shall and will forever last. I am a KING. Noble, wise, confident, and READY. God send me and WHOM SHALL I FEAR? NO ONE BUT ME.

Get FREE YALL and ENJOY this life that we have. There is so much to be thankful for and I AM EMBRACING MINE. RIGHT NOW. I am living and this is the best TIME.

I AM FULL.

I need a moment

It has been an extremely long time since I had the opportunity to sit down, think, and reflect. Once we lose these opportunities apart of us dies and we can no longer recapture those brief and meaningful moments to catch up and see where we are and what we need to do to make ourselves better.

This previous semester has been long and stressful. I cannot say much about my growth but what I can do from here is learn for my past mistakes and use them as a piece to complete my puzzle. Life is hard. No one ever said it would be easy. We, as a people, all go through the same struggles and setbacks. I am so glad to have these moments of adversity but its getting through them which makes us stronger, better, and wiser. It takes a true and genuine person to stand up during this time to admit to self and others – hey I am weak right now and I going through some things. I need a moment. A moment to REFLECT and get myself back on top!

So, for the break I am using this time to tell everyone – I am going through some things and I need this time to REFLECT. Get back at me later!

...Love Thoughts...

I am giving you my love in this very thought.
Pushing it through with all my existence,
Hoping, wishing, and praying that you will notice
But all I find is just another text, just another call, just another wasteful moment
That I must realize you will never been mine.
Consistently, I ask for your love or at least I shadow it with what I think is love,
I feel for you.
I think of you.
I ask of you to do the same.
Feel for me.
Think of me.
Ask of me of what you will have of me as I commit to you.
And only you.
But I am understanding this as just another conversation,
Of which I have had to many times before,
And I’m becoming aged in it.
Either I am lost in love or it has yet to find me.
Somewhere looming in the midst of all my woes.
I Breathe in. I Exhale.
I take another step, two, four, and back one more.
But I am progressing further.
Though I still ponder your love.

Some Things Never Change!

It has been a long time since I wrote. Laziness is something to overcome and I have not quite mastered that part my life. I apologize to all of my fans out there who have missed out on whats been going on with me. Life has had its ups-and-downs since I last wrote but with each new day we grow stronger, wiser and a new being. Today, I present you to me!

Yesterday, I began yet another semester at WKU. A bittersweet moment as this will be my last semester as a grad. student at Western.. One class to finish and I am looking forward to my graduation day and something a little bit different.

As I walked around campus, I noticed some things never change. You can point out your freshmen students, upperclassmen students, super senior students, and those students who cannot wait to get away from this place. With all the anxiety and high hopes of aspiration, college is still all the same. You have the Student Center full of people trying to encourage students to GO GREEK or GET INVOLVED.. and of course you have to mention the poster sales. What would the first week be like if such things do not exist? I have called college my home for the past 7 years and this year I must say I want to call home somewhere else. I guess my old age is sneeking up on me - finally!

But I look forward to this last semester of mine. I look forward to class discussions. I look forward to job searching. I look forward to all the activities and events I will plan and attend. I look forward to my learning, growth, and development. I look forward to meeting new people. I look forward to starting a new journey. I look forward to life and most of all I look forward to a new ME.

Tick Tock.

The clock inside my head has begun to start ticking.
Tick Tock.
Time for me is of the essence.
Whether to turn left or go to my right.
I am a mess or at least I know I am not my best.
Understanding what I need to do to begin this process called life,
I am behind my time.
My arrival has long been delayed.
Tick Tock.
We will begin boarding momentarily.
And so I wait.
Waiting for me to live up to my expectations and the better part of me speaks volumes of truth, wisdom, and knowledge.
I am fearless.
Tick Tock.
Now boarding all passengers, but I cannot board just yet.
I am lost, afraid, and unwilling because I know my outlook is not good.
Not right now in the midst of all this turmoil.
Confusion consumes me.
Tick Tock.
Final boarding call.
But I find myself still sitting.
Wondering, daydreaming, and caught off guard by my own irresponsibility, carelessness, and lack of fulfillment.
Tick. Tock.
My timing is off.
I see a brighter day ahead realizing that I am too late.
My gates have been locked and all opportunities are forgone.

I have arrived.

Nine Days and Counting!

So, my Boise Real World Experience is about to come to an end. WOW, how the summer has flown by. There are so many things I want to learn and explore, but as the saying goes, "Make the most of every experience." And I guess if I had only not took a nap or facebooked until I could not any longer. But hey, "LIFE IS LIFE." I have no regrets. My experience here as been rewarding, challenging, and FUN. I have met some amazing people and learned a lot from our interactions with one another.

The first week I got here I must say was a trying time for me - a cultural shock and unfamilar territory. But GOD will never put more on you than you can bear. I stuck through this race and can see the finish line. Who would have thunk?- a favorite saying of mine - but BOISE, IDAHO? Ha! I came, saw, and CONQUERED!

As this once never ending journey comes to a closure in my life and reality begins to unfold, I am thankful to my new buddies which I have made - Mary, Josh, Dawn, and Rese. I have honestly learned a lot from each of you and I hope and wish you all the best in your future endeavors. I am a better person because of you!

It's Amazing How Time Flies!

Just three days ago, I celebrated another birthday. This year I spent my birthday in Yellowstone National Park camping out in "Bear Country." A little apprehensive to my first real camping experience and sleeping in a tent, I grew to realize much about the road ahead of me... thus the creation of a new blog post. Buckle up!

I ran across a job posting at my undergraduate institution and thoroughly considered about applying for the position. I must say, I was eager and excited to go back to a place I called home for 5 years. Miss State was a place I learned a lot about me. Every chance I get the opportunity to go back and visit, I am in awe of the continous progress and the memorizes of my time there. It's amazing how time flies!

As a senior in highschool, I will admit I did not do my homework. I did not assertively apply for scholarships and invest time in looking into different colleges. Yes, I did sign up on a scholarship website but was too lazy to take a proactive stance on my educational pursuit. I knew without a doubt I would major in education. I received different materials in the mail from various schools and came to the conclusion out-of-state schools would not be an option - I did not want to run into to debt paying for my education.

As time for h.s. graduation approached, one of my good friends and I decided to both go to Delta State for their excellent education program. We went to visit campus and learn more about the opportunities available. I was not impressed at all. Despite my experience, I applied and was accepted. Man, did things change in a short amount of time. As a member of FBLA, my teacher wanted the class to take a trip her alma mater -Miss. State- for a visit. Like love at first sight, the first time I sat food on campus I knew it was HOME. I would not trade my MAROON and WHITE experience for the WORLD.

So know as I ponder my future ambitions and next steps, I wonder if I am ready to go back and explore a place which means a lot to me? Or should I explore other avenues and keep those memorizes of what I once had where they are - in the past? Or maybe begin to create new ones? Um... there is much to think about...

What about yo Friends!

Today, I came to the realization of what it means to be a friend. Life's can be crazy! But through the thick and thin its great to know you have some people who support you in every endeavor. In every phase of life, every season change, and the moments you find the most critical, who do you lean or call on during these circumstances? These people are what I call friends. Sometimes you lose them and sometimes you win them. I can say that I have had a lot of friends over the course of my existence. Most of my friendships from childhood till now have cease to last but I have gained valuable tokens as a result. Friends are not meant to last forever. Just like fashion, what may be considered "IN" loses its appeal the next season, but never fear it could eventually come back in style later.

The notion of meeting your "REAL FRIENDS" in college can be true for some and differ for others. What about those individuals who never go to college? Regardless of if they went to college with you are not, I've come to the conclusion that your closest friends are the ones who share in your struggles, who dream with you, who support you when you fall and who pick you up after such shortcomings! Friendship does not require a phone call every day or every week! But its does suggest being there for each another. Friendship is the equivalent of love - in my opinion. As the scripture goes:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8."

Yes, I can admit that I tried to make some friendships work. But in the end, it was just an effort gone to waste in certain circumstances. Yes, you grow from these experiences and relationships can become stronger. I just encourage you to not become a fool in the midst. Be honest with yourself -thats most important. Is the friendship really going anywhere? I don't like a lot a baggage. Get rid of what you can. You be the judge! I am reminded of a song by TLC, "What about yo FRIENDS."

And just when you thought the friendship was over, look at what the rain brought in!

Today is Independence Day!

All around the United States you will find its citizens full of Pride and Patriotism celebrating their Independence from Great Britain on July 4, 1776. What a great day in the history of this Nation. I ponder though constantly if this day fully represents all so-called Americans independence - I feel as though it does not.

These words spoken by Fredrick Douglass on July 5, 1852 give resonance to why I feel as such:

"What, to the American slave, is your 4th of July? I answer; a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sounds of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciation of tyrants, brass fronted impudence; your shouts of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanksgivings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are, to Him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy-a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States, at this very hour. "
http://www.historyisaweapon.org/defcon1/douglassjuly4.html

These words give depth to our American history, a past so full of deceit and lies. A past full of pain that I cannot fully commit to feeling free! Happy Memorial Day - a recollection of how slavery, oppression, and discrimination is still present in our country. How I do not feel as equal as most of my colleagues and how we are still enslaved socioeconomically - in our education, in our jobs, and in our very own communities.

Though I celebrate the Fourth of July every year. For me, it is a different day of remembrance -a different day of pride and patriotism. This day is a memoir to my ancestors -whom I must always pay tribute. There is still a war going on and a fight for Human Rights and Civility. I represent those individuals in spirit and truth. And though I celebrate my independence I carry on their dreams and hopes for a better day ahead. Today is Independence Day! I am ready to see the fireworks.

Its my DUE SEASON...

This past Sunday at church the messaged delivered by the minister made me re-think a lot about where I am as a Christian. The title of his message was "Its my DUE SEASON." Hence, the title of this posting! The scripture was taken from Galatians 6:1-10.

As Christians we have a responsibility to help our Brothers and Sisters in Christ! If we see our fellow Christians struggling it is our duty to help them back into the right direction - especially when the spirit leads us to do such things. "Carry Them, Restore Them, Lift Them Up, and Love Them." We cannot allow "man" to hinder us from helping our fellow Christians because if we do then we miss out on our blessings from God.

Futhermore, none of us are too important for God. He does not care about all of the good things we do if we do not love his sons and daughters like Jesus loved us. If we think we are better then our brothers and sisters we do not have love in our hearts. Instead of looking at your neighbors faults, you must examine yourself. This is an important point I had to learn for myself. I made myself feel like I was more important than my brothers and sisters who I considered to be "in sin." When I, myself, was out in the world doing some of the same things they were. Instead of going to my fellow Christians in a humble fashion and lending them a helping hand, I ostracized them and put myself up on a pedestal in order to make myself feel like I was better. God does not like this. Who am I to say I am better than anyone else? We all have fallen short of God's glory and no one is better than the other. Because of this I have missed out on my blessings from God.

When we ask God, "Why don't I ever see my harvest?" Ask yourself am I doing what the Lord God asks of me to do and is there anyone hindering me from receiving my blessings? If you sow good things, good things will come back to you. It's a win-win situation! As the saying goes, "when you know better, you do better." Now that I know better its time for my DUE SEASON.

God Bless!

Day-by-Day

You know throughout life we try out a lot of things. This can evolve around trying to become the status-quo or challenging it! Sometimes these experiences can be good and sometimes these things can be bad! Moreover, these opportunities make us into an ever-evolving product of incompletion. Day-by-day I question what will my end result be and ponder on if I will be happy with what I see?

I have realized in these twenty something years of mine that I create myself. Yes, I have been socialized by my childhood, community, and life experiences but can I not demystify those encounters and construct my own ideologies and self-constructs? I believe so!

Leading to my point of writing today, I realized some things about myself that I must improve. Honestly, there are a lot of things that I must come to terms with and understanding what that means! Processing and thus dealing with the consequences I have become so afraid to confront are just the beginning.

We learn so much somehow it gets lost and does not come into practice until the aftermath of our choices grabs us. Its like the Ah-ha moment! If I had only thought long term and not in the present. I like to describe this situation as doing what I need for right then and there and not focusing on the consequences of my actions.. I want the world to evolve around me and when things do not go as planned I blame it on external things and not except that it was ME.. My fault my bad and process ... For right now, I only ask that you excuse me and know that I am an ever-evolving product of incompletion - I am not a final product!

Life is Life

It has been a while since I got off my laziness and decided to urge myself to write. Yet, I have had people to encourage me to write; I just have not been in the mood to do such things. I believe things happen for a reason and those moments in the past will forever be untold, but I will always have memorizes.

Right now I am currently is Boise, Idaho working on my summer internship at Boise State University. This experience has had its ups and downs but I am learning to make the most of it. Though at moments, I cannot see the big picture - Life is Life. And I have to love it for what it is and aspires to become.

Be strong, be kind, and love everyone.

There will be some terrible days and oh some hills to climb, but those good days you have to hold on to because they will not last forever. Love yourself, if you don’t then who will. Forget all the drama, leave it to the actors – let them play their roles and cast yourself in the pleasures of life. Find your passion and stand up for it because it is what makes you sane. Don’t be afraid, for what is fear? - a tool that hinders you from reaching your truest potential. We are all great and we should not be unwilling to express who we are! Life is Life!!

One LOVE!

I know of Love ONCE

I knew of love once… It had been in a short time ago…. Perfect, Patient, Kind and what I thought was true... Timing was only of the essence... At least that was what I only knew... I had acquired everything that I ever wanted in a micro span of moments... I tried it, explored it, and became blinded by nothing... For that was what it was. Nothing... I blame my lust on my Youth... Inexperienced, loyal, giving, and oh but a fool who knew not of LOVE… What it meant to actually love and how it should be reflected… So vividly and so anxiously I asked for it. It was me! Cant seem to point the finger at no one else, but ME! And so I suffered for nothing, I cried for nothing, I longed for nothing. Pity pity pity me who was only set up by ME. And though I weep, I grew, And though I grew, I strengthened, And though I strengthened, I LOVED ME.

"One Me"

It has been a while since I last wrote, but here I am today. I have to make more of a personal commitment to get my thoughts down on paper for a particular moment or phase in my life. I believe these moments are monumental and play an instrumental role in my manifestation. I had a discussion today with an old co-worker about various things in life and it’s amazing to have friends that really listen to you and you know without a doubt they are honestly listening to what you have to say. It’s called a true friendship. I constantly debate back and forth with people about being who you are and not having to change for anybody. There is a difference in knowing better than just doing things out of ignorance. Follow me a little bit. I am person who loves to have autonomy to do the unimaginable and I need that room to fully blossom. We all develop and motivate ourselves inwardly. For many reasons, I choose to remain this free-loving individual who loves to laugh, who loves to cry, who loves to make the most out of life and DREAM DREAMS. Can I not depict that in my actions? Can I not be able to freely express myself in my MANNERISMS? Can I not just be ME? Is this not enough? In my conversions today with this friend, it was okay to curse every now and then. It was okay to say hey I am having a bad day and this is the reason why. It felt good just to let it all go and let this person understand me for who I am. Forget all this fake chatter and dehumanization of character or originality. There is only one me and I want to be that person. Everyday I am changing and when I wake up I have to re-introduce myself to ME. It felt good in those moments to just be ONE ME.

WHEN WE REALIZE!!

When we realize…

Today, momentarily I am at a default….
Hinder by my past, and learning from my repast
I am unaware that I must continue on,
Not dwell in its midst but comprehend its hidden agenda,
When we realize that our past is merely a tool that we use to structure our daily existence,
Then we are ready to move on and grow.

We cannot continue to coat our lives with deceit and lies,
Instead we must take our reality as it paints a portrait to who we are,
Unlocking those hidden doors that we once dared not go,
And making a pathway for a better tomorrow.
When we realize our faults we learn.
And from those lessons we able to justify what we once did not know.

It is not our jobs to sympathize on our many mistakes, disappoints, and set backs,
Relatively lets us embrace them and inform others as they may attack once again.
As knowledge is the basic tool of competence which leads us to success.
When we realize that there are seasons, many seasons that we many encounter- some seasons good, other seasons bad than we realize the framework of our subsistence. It is in our mindset that we are able to overcome any possibility.